This is amusing.
For those who are retired, you may relate more than those who are not. For
those who are not retired, just look at what waits for you.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
SIGNS OF THE TIMES:
In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holidays. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools' Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
OOW
2010
SIGNS OF THE TIMES:
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
***************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
" Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
_______________________________________________________________________"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
***************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
" Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
FYI: Cryptic
Christmas Carol
> There is one Christmas Carol that has
always baffled me. What
> in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans,
> and especially the partridge who won't come out of the
> pear tree have to do with Christmas? Today, I found out.
> From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not
> permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during
> that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young
> Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning
> plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church.
> Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious
> reality, which the children could remember. The partridge in
> a pear tree was Jesus Christ. Two turtledoves were the Old
> and New Testaments. Three French hens stood for faith, hope
> and love. The four calling birds were the four gospels of
> Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. The five golden rings
> recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old
> Testament. The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of
> creation. Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold
> gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation,
> Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy. The eight maids a-milking were
> the eight beatitudes. Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruit of the Holy Spirit:
> Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness,
> and Self Control. The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments. The
> eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples. The twelve
> drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief
> in The Apostles' Creed. So there is your history for today.
> This knowledge was shared with me and I found it
> interesting and enlightening and now I know how
> that strange song became a Christmas Carol... so pass it
> on............... if you wish.
_______________________________________________________________________> in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans,
> and especially the partridge who won't come out of the
> pear tree have to do with Christmas? Today, I found out.
> From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not
> permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during
> that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young
> Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning
> plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church.
> Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious
> reality, which the children could remember. The partridge in
> a pear tree was Jesus Christ. Two turtledoves were the Old
> and New Testaments. Three French hens stood for faith, hope
> and love. The four calling birds were the four gospels of
> Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. The five golden rings
> recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old
> Testament. The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of
> creation. Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold
> gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation,
> Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy. The eight maids a-milking were
> the eight beatitudes. Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruit of the Holy Spirit:
> Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness,
> and Self Control. The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments. The
> eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples. The twelve
> drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief
> in The Apostles' Creed. So there is your history for today.
> This knowledge was shared with me and I found it
> interesting and enlightening and now I know how
> that strange song became a Christmas Carol... so pass it
> on............... if you wish.
Since the
Pledge of Allegiance & The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in schools anymore
because the word 'God' is mentioned... a kid in Ohio wrote the
attached
NEW School Prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise...
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the State.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible...
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen.
_____________________________________________________________________________
FLORIDA
COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
__________________________________________________________________________
Did I read that sign right?
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES
OUT
In a London department store:
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
2010
No comments:
Post a Comment